


all i could do was love you hard (and let you go)

by murdermusicandmagic



Category: Happiest Season (2020)
Genre: Angst probably, Canon Compliant, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27794842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdermusicandmagic/pseuds/murdermusicandmagic
Summary: Riley has to stop herself from saying it out loud, but she's proud of Harper. The sapphic goddess that has just followed her out of the bathroom is definitely a step up from the old high school boyfriend. She doesn't want to make assumptions, but the second the girl interrupts Harper's introduction, Riley knows.
Relationships: Abby Holland/Riley Johnson, Harper Caldwell/Abby Holland
Comments: 18
Kudos: 223





	all i could do was love you hard (and let you go)

**Author's Note:**

> i saw happiest season yesterday and i am infatuated with aubrey plaza so. here we are. i wanted to write the movie from riley's pov so this is that (sorry it's super unpolished)  
> big shout out to @kiwiana as this is sort of a similar concept to their lovely abby/riley fic :)
> 
> title from "goodbye until tomorrow/i could never rescue you" from the last five years

Riley has to stop herself from saying it out loud, but she's proud of Harper. The sapphic goddess that has just followed her out of the bathroom is definitely a step up from the old high school boyfriend. She doesn't want to make assumptions, but the second the girl interrupts Harper's introduction, Riley knows. 

"Nice to meet you," she says politely, smiling at Abby. They don't move, so Riley inches forward. "So I'm just gonna sneak on by you guys."

"Oh, sorry," Harper mutters, pulling Abby to the side. Riley slides past and nudges the door open as they pass her. Harper doesn't look back, but Abby does.

"Was that the Riley?" Riley hears Abby whisper just before the door closes behind her. She exhales. So she's never heard of Abby, but Abby's heard of her. Damn.

**___________________________**

"No, sir, just a regular old freckle," Riley says tiredly to the man in front of her.

"Say that again, sweetheart?" He leans toward her, hand to his ear. She sighs and starts to repeat herself, louder this time, when she feels eyes on her and glances up. She trails off when she makes eye contact with Abby on the landing above her, alone except for Jane behind her. Riley hesitates for a second, not sure of the right thing to do in this situation. Sure, this girl is dating her ex, which means they should be enemies, right? But strangely, nothing about Abby makes Riley want to hate her. In fact, so far it's the opposite. 

Riley gives Abby a long-suffering smile and raises her glass with a quirk of her eyebrows. Abby's mouth twitches before she turns away, and Riley feels a little closer to her.

**___________________________**

One too many comments about her "lifestyle" forces Riley outside with her coat and a mug of hot chocolate. She hates the cold, but she'd rather not risk her parents' wrath by arguing with their friends, or worse, strangling someone with tinsel. She doesn't know why she keeps coming back home for the holidays like a dog with its tail between its legs, but here she is.

The fact that Abby is out here too is just a coincidence.

Riley really thought that talking to Abby would be easy after their little moment earlier, but the second she opens her mouth, she regrets it. She stumbles over her words and it's incredibly awkward, and she could have kicked herself for being so uncharismatic. She gives up after a few minutes, because Abby seems entirely uninterested in having any sort of conversation that's not small talk. Riley hates small talk.

"I like your jacket," she says finally, and turns to go inside before Abby can even say thank you.

**___________________________**

Despite her last failure, when Riley sees Abby next, the desire to turn around before Abby catches sight of her doesn't even cross her mind. In fact, she's almost happy to see her.

"Hey," Abby says, and Riley imagines she sounds almost happy to see her too.

"We meet again," Riley says, and her eyes flick to the empty space beside Abby before she can stop herself. "No Harper?"

She tries not to sound judgmental when she says it, but Abby hesitates before she answers. Oops.

They make polite conversation (again), and Riley does her best to not convey her hatred of the white elephant party before Abby has had a chance to experience it, but her sarcasm must shine through because Abby laughs. Riley manages to make her laugh twice in the whole conversation, two little triumphs that she counts as a full recovery from her defeat at the party the day before.

"I'd really like to drink some alcohol," Abby says abruptly. "Do you know where I could do that?"

It takes Riley a second to answer. Of course she does know of several places where Abby could do that, but something tells her it seems wrong to take her ex's girlfriend out for drinks. There must be some kind of girl code against that.

Riley realizes she doesn't care.

"Yes," she says finally with a single nod. Abby looks relieved.

**___________________________**

The fact that her little town has a drag bar has always seemed a little odd to Riley, but now she's thankful for this place. Drag queens are about as far from Harper's conservative family as Riley and Abby can possibly get right now, which is definitely what they both need.

Riley offers to take Abby shopping for a white elephant gift, which is really just a thinly-veiled excuse to see her again (although she'd never admit it), and Abby agrees. She even lets Riley put her number into her phone. Another point for Riley. Not that she's keeping score.

"What did you mean last night?" Abby's voice interrupts Riley's mental tally. "When you said you could relate?"  
  
Riley fixes Abby with what she hopes is a knowing look. There's no way Abby doesn't know that she knows. She's going to lose it if they avoid this topic for one more second, and yet, she stalls.

"That was just a comment based on an assumption that I was making about you and Harper." If Abby doesn't take this hint-

"I think it's probably an accurate assumption."

Thank _god_.

"You don't have to talk to me about this stuff," Abby continues. "I know it's weird-"

Riley is absolutely not going to let this conversation end here, not when they've gotten this far. She interrupts Abby mid-sentence.

"So what has she told you?"

"That you dated in high school. That you were her first girlfriend. That's about it." 

Riley looks down at her glass, disappointed. Figures. No one would tell their new girlfriend the gory details of exactly how they wronged their ex. She wouldn't have told Abby them herself - she swears - but Abby asks.

"Is there more?"

"Yeah, a little." Abby nods like she knew there would be, and Riley hesitates, wondering how much to give away.

The little voice in her head that says _This is wrong_ is back. 

Riley ignores it.

Abby winces and looks away when Riley is finished, breaking eye contact for the first time. 

"I'm sorry," she says softly. Riley just looks at her.

 _It's not your fault,_ she wants to say.

"Yeah, so," she says instead. "The thing that I can relate to is just being in love with somebody that is too afraid to show the world who they are."

There's a silence. Abby looks conflicted, and Riley feels bad. She didn't want to ruin Abby's image of Harper.

"But that was a long time ago," she says quickly. Abby doesn't look convinced, but the drag queens get louder, and Riley grins. She knows this part of their act.

"We're gonna sing," she tells Abby. "Ready?" She's happy to see Abby pick it up quickly, and when the drag queens move into the crowd, she flags them down by pointing at Abby.

To her credit, Abby sings along, and Riley feels a sudden rush of affection for the girl sitting across from her. When the drag queens move past them, Riley takes advantage of the moment by switching to Abby's side of the booth as nonchalantly as she possibly can. Abby doesn't even flinch, just lets Riley settle in next to her.

The moment doesn't last long, though. Abby gets a notification, and Riley knows without looking that it's Harper. She's still disappointed when Abby confirms, though, and she gets up to let her out before sitting back down with a thump in the spot Abby has just vacated.

She finds herself looking forward to the white elephant for once.

**___________________________**

Riley answers a call from an unknown number with her heart in her throat, and she's thrilled that the voice on the other end says exactly what she wants to hear.

"Are you doing anything right now?"

"I am not," Riley says delightedly. "Wanna go shopping?" 

Score.

**___________________________**

It takes them several stores and more than one argument about whether Riley should be present for the purchase of a white elephant gift if she's attending the same party (Riley wins every time with a well-thought out argument that mainly consists of the phrase "Who cares?"), but they eventually settle on a gift that both of them deem appropriate, and walk out of the shop with no other destination in mind.

Riley would have been content to walk around Main Street with Abby all day, but then Abby gets another notification.

Riley bites her lip and leans back a little to see the screen when Abby checks it. It's Harper again, like she knew it would be.

"Everything alright?" Riley says when she sees what the message says. Abby moves the phone away instinctively and looks up at her.

"Yeah."

Riley doesn't quite believe that, but she dutifully stands by and fidgets while Abby types out a response.

They part with a friendly hug and a promise to see each other at the dreaded white elephant, but as Riley walks away, she feels like this year's party might be better than ever.

**___________________________**

Riley looks for Abby as soon as she arrives at the Caldwells', but somehow it seems a lot more taboo to talk to her when Harper is right there, so she reluctantly avoids her for a little while. Once Eric starts in at the piano, though, she can't help herself. She sidles up to Abby in the most innocent way she can, not that Harper is even looking.

"What are you drinking?" she asks softly, as a conversation starter.

"Oh, it's a spiced...alcohol," Abby says. She doesn't seem particularly attached to it, as she's already wordlessly offering it to Riley, and Riley is already reaching for it.

"Gross. Can I have some?" Riley only asks to retain some semblance of dignity. Her hand is already on the glass.

"Yeah."

**___________________________**

Pretty soon, Riley doesn't even bother trying to keep up appearances. She and Abby have retired to a couple of chairs in full view of everyone at the party. Abby's still nursing a glass of something, but Riley's working on turning her candy cane into a decent shank. She finds it also makes a very good item to gesture with while telling a story.

"Their investment in it just made me feel so bad for them, you know?" Riley looks over at Abby for affirmation and gets a mumble in response. She raises her eyebrow, but Abby doesn't notice.

"Like, so bad for them that, you know, that I eventually just murdered them," she says as a test.

"That sounds fun," Abby says, going in for another sip of her drink.

"Okay." Riley leans forward into Abby's line of vision so she's forced to look at her. "What is happening?"

Abby doesn't say anything, but Harper squealing over the arrival of everyone's favorite high school boyfriend answers Riley's question for her. _Perfect_.

"I don't know," Abby says finally. "Yesterday I'd never felt closer to another person in my entire life and now I don't know her."

Riley stares at Abby as she continues, wondering just how Harper is managing to hurt two people in almost the exact same way years apart. The day she'd written that last letter to Harper, she'd felt the same way. She didn't think anything could have torn them apart, but the very next day, Harper herself did the tearing, and it was like Riley had never known her at all.

"It's just making me wonder who the real Harper is," Abby finishes. 

"Well, maybe they both are," Riley says in a poor attempt to help. She doesn't think that her current thoughts would do much good.

"I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow," Abby says after a small silence, and Riley feels her heart break for this poor girl. She doesn't know what to say to that either, but she unfolds her arms and puts her hand on Abby's shoulder.

"I'm gonna get you a real drink, okay?" she says, patting Abby one last time before standing up. She doesn't really know what her definition of a "real drink" is - maybe water (she's a little concerned for Abby's liver at this point) - but she does know that she is one hundred percent the wrong person to be listening to Abby's Harper issues.

**___________________________**

Abby and Harper conveniently disappear before the white elephant even starts (Riley tries not to think about _that_ too hard), and so she picks a seat on the edge. Far away from most of the guests, but with a front row seat to all the drama - just the way she likes it.

The "drama," of course, arrives a lot later than she anticipated, but _damn_ , it's a lot. Sloane and Harper come sprinting right past her, and she almost spills her drink all over the old couple sitting next to her. Riley shrinks in her seat as Sloane and Harper immediately face off in front of her, Sloane fending Harper off with a broom.

They're arguing about something, Riley can't tell quite what (although she has an inkling). Harper throws a bouquet that hits Sloane square in the jaw, and Riley sucks in a breath, but Sloane powers through.

"Harper's a lesbian! Abby's her girlfriend."

The room goes silent.

Riley glances from Sloane and Harper to Abby, who has appeared in the hallway, and back again, and she knows. That look on Harper's face is the exact same one she wore all those years ago, in the hallway by her locker.

Riley wills Harper not to say the words she knows she's about to.

"She's lying!"

Riley's head immediately swivels over to where Abby is standing, and sees her face fall. Riley didn't think it was possible for her heart to break for someone twice in the same night, but she was wrong.

"I am not a lesbian!" Harper is in full panic mode, but her argument fizzles out, and she and Riley both watch Abby shake her head and walk out the door. It slams behind her, and in the silence, Harper glances at Riley.

Riley can hold her gaze for only a moment before she breaks, shaking her head and looking away. This- this is not the drama she wanted. Drama doesn't hurt. Drama doesn't make her want to curl up in a ball and cry. She wants to go after Abby, but the minute she's about to stand up, Harper seizes Jane's beautiful painting and smashes it over Sloane's head. Riley's hand flies to her mouth, but she stays seated until Tipper announces that it might be best for everyone to leave. Riley whole-heartedly agrees.

**___________________________**

Riley's at the door with her coat, fully ready to leave, when she glances into the living room and sees Harper staring sadly at the flowers in her hand. She thinks about it for only a second before making a decision.

"Great party."

Harper looks relieved at the sarcasm. 

"Yeah." She looks down, and Riley can't help but feel bad for her. She's been in her shoes, after all. 

"You okay?" she says.

Harper nods, and studies Riley for a second.

"I'm so sorry," she says finally.

Huh. That wasn't what Riley expected. She tilts her head and studies Harper in return, but can't think of anything to say. Not unusual for tonight, she thinks. Instead, she just extends a hand to Harper, and it is immediately taken. Riley smiles just a little.

"Merry Christmas," she offers.

"Merry Christmas," Harper whispers back before letting go of her hand.

Riley turns, and then thinks twice and turns again. 

"She's a really good one," she says, gesturing at the door. It hurts her more than she could ever say, because she's about to walk out the Caldwells' front door without ever knowing what could have been, but she'll be damned if she's going to let Harper walk away from this, too.

Luckily (or unluckily, Riley will never be quite sure), Harper agrees, and Riley turns around for good.

"Riley." Sloane is standing by the door, expressionless.

"Sloane," Riley returns, matching her tone.

The door closes behind her as she steps into the cold, and she has one last little triumph over the fact that she, of all people, was the last to leave.

**Author's Note:**

> i originally wanted this to be a fix-it in which abby and riley end up together, but then i decided that there are/will be plenty of those. i wanted this one to reflect the exact amount of heartbreak that i felt watching riley's story play out, and the strange feeling of hopelessness that isn't typically associated with a holiday romcom :(
> 
> anyways, thank you so much for reading! i'm on tumblr as @murdermusicandmagic


End file.
